Gone, but not forgotten

Just last week a woman who lived to be 102 died in Texas. A few months before her passing she was interviewed and asked how she was able to have lived such a long life. She replied that her father had told her the secret of a long life. He told her to eat oatmeal each morning with a teaspoon of gun powder sprinkled on it. She did this for a large portion of her life. Upon her passing last week she left behind 6 children, 24 grand children, 63 great grand children, 31 great,great grand children, and a 15 foot creator where the crematorium used to be.

Parties

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is  tough  to watch.  It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Air Show Disaster

Amazing photo shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
I can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Probably scared the crap right out of  them.

Chick Flick

Anger Management

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!

Toxic Fumes

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee  nothing happened.  Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh,  gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the  inevitable 'Oh my goodness', floating above the toilet seat because my backside is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “Son-of-a-gun!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?”, then quickly left.

Once finished, I left the restroom and reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT'S YOU!”, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Mitt Romney is so Mormon…

Mitt Romney is so Mormon…
…his campaign bus is a pioneer handcart.
…he'd call 19-year-old boys to serve as US ambassadors.
…his Israel policy will be centered on Jackson County, Missouri.
…he'll make the income tax a flat 10% and collect fast offerings to fund Medicaid.
…he'll ask the Senate to "sustain" his appointees by manifesting with an uplifted hand.
…..that his campaign "oppo" team has done all the other candidates' genealogy.
…he's organizing his precinct walkers in pairs to knock on doors with a very special message.
…he'd make the Book of Mormon required reading at the Bureau of Indian Affairs.
…he'll choke up during his inaugural address and then say, "I told myself I wasn't going to cry."
…he will commission a presidential motorcade entirely of 10-passenger family vans.
…he's concerned about joining the Tea Party because of Doctrine & Covenants 89.
…he'll start the State of the Union with the words: "I wasn't going to come up here, but the Spirit just carried me off of the bench."
…his campaign biography begins, "I, Willard, having been born of goodly parents."
…he'll ask members of Congress to go home and pray about his economic plan.
…he'd ask the Elders Quorum to help move him into the White House.
…his first act will be to make July 24th a national holiday.
…he asks donors to stack chairs after fundraising dinners.
…he'll award Ty Detmer, Steve Young, and Jimmer Fredette the Congressional Medal of Honor.
…his campaign slogan is "What do you know about Mitt Romney? Would you like to know more?"
…he'll reroute the Freedom Trail through Palmyra, New York; Nauvoo, Illinois; and Winter Quarters, Iowa.
…he'll rename the "Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms" the "Word of Wisdom Squad".
…he'd do an ad for mormon.org stating: "I'm a husband, father, and leader of the free world. And I'm a Mormon."
…he isn't as concerned about getting American youth jobs as he is about getting them married.
…he tried to convince CNN to let him bring a visual aid to the debate so he could turn it into an object lesson.
…that he refers to Congress as "The Great and Spacious Building."
…he'll end every address with "hope you'll all get home safely, without any harm or accident."
…he'll assign a friend to every new member of Congress.
…he's already picked out a room in the White House for his year's supply of wheat and beans, and he'll require the White House Chef to rotate the food storage.
…he doesn't campaign. He "fellowships."
…he's having two basketball hoops installed at the Inaugural Ball so there's a place to hang decorations.
…he'll change the name of "Cabinet Meeting" to "Correlation Meeting".
…if he gets elected all of the White House 9x13 pans would have a piece of masking tape on them with the name "Romney" written in Sharpie.
…he has four cats named 1st Nephi, 2nd Nephi, 3rd Nephi, and 4th Nephi (4th Nephi is the smallest).
…late last night he snuck out to put 5000 plastic forks in the lawn of Jon Huntsman. And after that, he heart attacked Rick Perry.
…he's going to rename the 101st Airborne as "The Stripling Warriors."
…he'll rename FEMA the Federal Relief Society.
…he'll start his acceptance speech with "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
…the Marine Band will play "Praise to the Man" when he enters a room.
…he'll appoint Lavell Edwards as Secretary of Defense.
…he won't allow advisers wearing non-white dress shirts to participate in cabinet meetings.
…he'll rename the weekly presidential address "Politics and the Spoken Word."
…his cabinet would consist entirely of unqualified, yet enthusiastic, volunteers.
…he'd convene a Munch-N-Mingle after cabinet meetings, with refreshments blessed "to nourish and strengthen our bodies".
…he'd hang a copy of the Proclamation on the Family and a picture of the Washington, D.C. LDS temple in the White House.
…he has volunteers combing through old GOP voter rolls for less actives he can reactivate.
…he'd put everyone in his stake on the inauguration invite list. Just because.
…he will add the phrases "every fiber of my being" and "beyond a shadow of a doubt" to the presidential oath of office.
…the Inaugural Dinner will be Ham, Funeral Potatoes, green Jell-o, and red Kool-Aid.