Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Stupid criminals!
December 7, 2009
Overnight snowfall helped police track down a man driving a stolen car.
A West Valley City police officer noticed a stolen car on 4000 West near 4100 South around 1 a.m. When he tried to pull over the car, the driver took off.
Officers called in police dogs and followed fresh footprints in the snow to find the suspect around the corner.
Sgt. M.T. Johnson with the West Valley City Police Department said, "It was a good night for us and a bad night for him."
Eddie Garza was booked into jail for driving a stolen car, fleeing and possession of a burglary instrument.
(hee, hee, hee!)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Articles of Faith of the Mormon Culture
1. We believe in SUVs and minivans as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in multi-level marketing.
2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.
3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.
4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.
5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part
thereof.
6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.
8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.
9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and
vacations.
10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and
CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.
11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege. Let them name drop the names of the famous and general authorities how, where, or whenever they may.
12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.
13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and in being ten to fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Thinking of Having Kids?
Do This 10 Step Program First
Lesson 1
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline
2. Lack of patience
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels
4. Allowing their children to run wild
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx. 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down gently, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.
4. Set alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45.
7. Get up at 3am when alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4am.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive.)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this- all morning.
Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, them smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 6
Go to the grocery store. Take the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 9 month-old baby.
Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from all shows on PBS, the Disney Channel and Noggin. Watch nothing else on TV but shows from these channels for at least 5 years. (I know, you're thinking "what is Noggin?") Exactly the point.
Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Thanks to Joy's Hope!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Creative Puns for Smart Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
I just noticed there is no 18. Curious!
Thanks Ree!
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
I just noticed there is no 18. Curious!
Thanks Ree!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Swine Flu
It was once said that a black man will be president "When pigs fly."
Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency. . . . .swine flu.
Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency. . . . .swine flu.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
MJ
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?
Because he can't decide whether to be black or white!
LOL Thanks Taylor!
Because he can't decide whether to be black or white!
LOL Thanks Taylor!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunbeams
Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"
Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."
Doctor: (very surprised) "The sun beams?"
Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor: (reaching for a pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient: "Of course, I told the president."
Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"
Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."
Doctor: (concerned that he may be missing something) "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
Patient: (confused) "A rash? No."
Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
Doctor: (astonished) "The sun beams are talking to you?"
Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."
Doctor: (scribbling furiously in the chart) "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient: "You're not LDS are you?"
Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."
Doctor: (very surprised) "The sun beams?"
Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."
Doctor: (reaching for a pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient: "Of course, I told the president."
Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"
Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."
Doctor: (concerned that he may be missing something) "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
Patient: (confused) "A rash? No."
Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
Doctor: (astonished) "The sun beams are talking to you?"
Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."
Doctor: (scribbling furiously in the chart) "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"
Patient: "You're not LDS are you?"
Monday, March 2, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Man Rules
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all down!!
We always hear "the rules" from the Female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports ... It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1 . If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or GOLF.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
Thanks Kristi!
We always hear "the rules" from the Female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports ... It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1 . If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or GOLF.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!
Thanks Kristi!
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Black Bra
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been marriedf or 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you. ' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Thanks Ashlee!
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been marriedf or 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you. ' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
Thanks Ashlee!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Possessed
Do you ever watch "The Biggest Loser"? I love that show.
Two weeks ago, Bob was struggling with one of the contestants, who wasn't pulling their weight. He went off on her and was yelling like you wouldn't believe. Remember Bob is the yoga guy and is usually pretty composed. So when he went off, it was quite amazing. Even Jillian said she had never seen Bob do that. Jillian is the one that yells!
Bob's comment was, "Joelle (the contestant) and I had some growing pains this week, and I was possessed by Jillian Michaels."
LOL
Two weeks ago, Bob was struggling with one of the contestants, who wasn't pulling their weight. He went off on her and was yelling like you wouldn't believe. Remember Bob is the yoga guy and is usually pretty composed. So when he went off, it was quite amazing. Even Jillian said she had never seen Bob do that. Jillian is the one that yells!
Bob's comment was, "Joelle (the contestant) and I had some growing pains this week, and I was possessed by Jillian Michaels."
LOL
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Quotes from "The Office"
I love this show. Last week (or the week before) when Dwight and Andy were fighting over Angela, there were 2 quotes that made The Doctor and me have to pause because we were laughing too loud and long.
First, when they were going to go outside to fight it out, and Meredith said, "I call loser!"
LMBO!!!
Then, when they were outside and the rest of the office people were watching out the window and Angela said, "I can't believe they're going to fight over me." Kelly said, "I guess people have fewer choices as they get older."
I thought we were going to die of laughter!
First, when they were going to go outside to fight it out, and Meredith said, "I call loser!"
LMBO!!!
Then, when they were outside and the rest of the office people were watching out the window and Angela said, "I can't believe they're going to fight over me." Kelly said, "I guess people have fewer choices as they get older."
I thought we were going to die of laughter!
Monday, January 26, 2009
9 Words Women Use
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ...that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying mhtml:%7B83CC5536-0D6F-443B-B83C-C3AFF58E960E%7Dmid://00000091/!x-usc:mailto:#@&% !
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Thanks to Heidi!
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ...that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying mhtml:%7B83CC5536-0D6F-443B-B83C-C3AFF58E960E%7Dmid://00000091/!x-usc:mailto:#@&% !
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Thanks to Heidi!
Blonde Joke #1
I love blonde jokes. I am blonde and I still love them. So bring 'em on. I have probably heard them all!
A blonde is driving down the freeway when her cell phone rings. It's her husband: "I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful."
"It's true," the blond replies. "But not just one car - there are hundreds of them!"
A blonde is driving down the freeway when her cell phone rings. It's her husband: "I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful."
"It's true," the blond replies. "But not just one car - there are hundreds of them!"
The Poopie List
You knew it was coming. If you read my other blog you will have seen this before. If you haven't, you are in for a treat. I laugh out loud, every time I read. And if I try to read it out loud to someone else? Well, forget about it. I laugh too much to even make sense!
Here you go...
The Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Here you go...
The Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Gonna Be a Bear
IN THIS LIFE I'M A WOMAN. IN MY NEXT LIFE, I'D LIKE TO COME BACK AS A BEAR. WHEN YOU'RE A BEAR, YOU GET TO HIBERNATE. YOU DO NOTHING BUT SLEEP FOR SIX MONTHS. I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.
BEFORE YOU HIBERNATE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT YOURSELF STUPID. I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.
WHEN YOU'R A GIRL BEAR, YOU BIRTH YOUR CHILDREN (WHO ARE THE SIZE OF WALNUTS) WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING AND WAKE TO PARTIALLY GROWN, CUTE, CUDDLY CUBS. I COULD DEFINITELY DEAL WITH THAT.
IF YOU'RE A MAMA BEAR, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU MEAN BUSINESS. YOU SWAT ANYONE WHO BOTHERS YOUR CUBS. IF YOUR CUBS GET OUT OF LINE, YOU SWAT THEM, TOO. I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.
IF YOU'RE A BEAR, YOUR MATE EXPECTS YOU TO WAKE UP GROWLING. HE EXPECTS THAT YOU WILL HAVE HAIRY LEGS AND EXCESS BODY FAT.
YUP, GONNA BE A BEAR!!
Thanks to Kelly!
BEFORE YOU HIBERNATE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT YOURSELF STUPID. I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.
WHEN YOU'R A GIRL BEAR, YOU BIRTH YOUR CHILDREN (WHO ARE THE SIZE OF WALNUTS) WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING AND WAKE TO PARTIALLY GROWN, CUTE, CUDDLY CUBS. I COULD DEFINITELY DEAL WITH THAT.
IF YOU'RE A MAMA BEAR, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU MEAN BUSINESS. YOU SWAT ANYONE WHO BOTHERS YOUR CUBS. IF YOUR CUBS GET OUT OF LINE, YOU SWAT THEM, TOO. I COULD DEAL WITH THAT.
IF YOU'RE A BEAR, YOUR MATE EXPECTS YOU TO WAKE UP GROWLING. HE EXPECTS THAT YOU WILL HAVE HAIRY LEGS AND EXCESS BODY FAT.
YUP, GONNA BE A BEAR!!
Thanks to Kelly!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Welcome
This blog is to celebrate laughter. I love to laugh. It is theraputic.
Have you ever laughed so long, your stomach hurt? I have.
Have you ever laughed so hard, you wet your pants? I have.
Here are some statistics for you:
Have you ever laughed so long, your stomach hurt? I have.
Have you ever laughed so hard, you wet your pants? I have.
Here are some statistics for you:
- It takes 10 minutes on a rowing machine to get your heart rate up to the same rate as after 1 minute of hearty laughter.
- 15 minutes of laughter a day will result in 1-4 lbs of weight loss per year.
- 15 calories are burned during 10-15 minutes of laughter.
- Your endorphins and HG (an anti-aging hormone) increase 27% with laugher.
- In 1950, the average person laughed 18 minutes a day. In 2007, the average person laughed 5 minutes a day.
- A young child laughs 112 times during the day. The average for a 42 year old is 6.
So you can see that laughter is good for you.
Here is how you can help:
I want you to send me your funniest jokes, stories, pictures, etc. If they make me laugh, I will post them and give you credit. Pretty simple. You can find my email in my profile.
But remember to keep them clean. NO language at all. If you swear in the joke, either change the word or don't send it to me. I don't want to read it. And I won't change it for you.
So come on, hit me with your funnies! And I will be posting mine, of course. Here's hoping to hear from you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)