Robbery

I think Santa Claus is a woman....and the rebuttal

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they –with amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) (When I read this to my kids, my 17-year-old said, “That a good idea!”) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and
get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

And Now The Rebuttal

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one
to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it...For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE REBUTTAL:

And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that Mr. Claus is a man.

WE WROTE:

And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE REBUTTAL:

Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his
navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.

WE WROTE:

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE REBUTTAL:

When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit? The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.

WE WROTE:

Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE REBUTTAL:

And when was the last time Santa answered a letter?
Like, never.

WE WROTE:

Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's
wearing them.

THE REBUTTAL:

And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.

WE WROTE:

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up babes.

THE REBUTTAL:

As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble
with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when
you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.

WE WROTE:

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require
a commitment

THE REBUTTAL:

And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours
straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the same day each year. With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving
each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always has been, a guy.

The Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMO’s and Obamacare.

I’m an Android. What are you?