Presidential Jokes

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--Letterman

What gender is a computer?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
Groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Weight Lifting for Beginners

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Next, try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

General Petraeus' Top 10 reasons BYU grads make good soldiers

As Gen. David Petraeus began his remarks at BYU Thursday night, the commanding general of U.S. Central Command shared his sense of humor by reading the following list, which was received by waves of laughter and applause.

General Petraeus' Top 10 reasons BYU grads make good soldiers:

10 — They have already been on many a mission.

9 — Army chow is no problem for folks accustomed to eating green Jell-o and shredded carrots.

8 — It's not a problem if they don't know what rank someone is, they just refer to them as Brother or Sister so-and-so.

7 — They never go AWOL. They just call it being less active.

6 — They will seize any objective swiftly if you tell them refreshments will be served.

5 — They know how to make things happen. In fact if you ever need a base built quickly in a barren wasteland, stride out to where you want them to start, plant your walking stick down and say in a loud voice, "This is the place."

4 — They have innovative ideas for handling insurgents — like assigning them home teachers.

3 — They always have a years' supply of provisions on hand.

2 — They are the world's most reliable designated drivers.

1 — They understand how far Iraq has come over the last seven years, and they think that Iraq's old spot in the "Axis of Evil" can now be filled by the University of Utah.

Deseret News

10 Commandments of a Teenage Boy

1. Thou shalt not try to hide thy chips of corn from before mine eyes. I needest them for my skin above and my bones beneath for I art a growing boy.

2. Thou shalt not make me to cleanest any part of thine house, inasmuch as I likest it just the way it is.

3. Thou shalt not make thy name upon my Facebook page in a wall post or it shall be stricken off before thou can blinkest.

4. Remember the Saturday to keep it wholly for the purpose of mine rest. For in five days I have laboured diligently with mine brain and to grant unto me sleep is to shew mercy unto me.

5. Honour thy son's friends, that his days may be cool upon the land.

6. Thou shalt not kill my unlimited texting plan for it is the steadfast way of the rising generation.

7. Thou shalt not commit the unpardonable sin of leaving me to hunger for forty minutes, nay even forty seconds. Yea, thou shalt lay a store of food up for mine own purposes and none other.

8. Thou shalt not steal my playlist from upon the computer and try to makest me hear thy music. For inasmuch as thou thinkest my music is raucous, thine music smiteth mine ears from off mine face. I ask thee, is it good for mine ears to be smitten? Nay, I say it is not good.

9. Thou shalt not bear me to rise up and putteth away mine cell phone. Not even while I sleepest, for in the day that I do shall surely be the day when a lady, most fair above all ladies, shall text mine phone.

10. Thou shalt not covet mine full dance card, neither my manly lacrosse gloves, neither my mother of questionable humor.

This one is for the boys

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed!

Alphabet Game

Have you ever gotten stuck while playing the alphabet game? We all have. Well, someone felt our angst and did this:

How awesome!!!!!