Creative Puns for Smart Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!


I just noticed there is no 18. Curious!
Thanks Ree!

Swine Flu

It was once said that a black man will be president "When pigs fly."

Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency. . . . .swine flu.

MJ

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?

Because he can't decide whether to be black or white!


LOL Thanks Taylor!

Sunbeams

Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"

Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."

Doctor: (very surprised) "The sun beams?"

Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall."

Doctor: (reaching for a pen) "Have you told anyone about this?"

Patient: "Of course, I told the president."

Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"

Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with them."

Doctor: (concerned that he may be missing something) "I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?"

Patient: (confused) "A rash? No."

Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"

Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."

Doctor: (astonished) "The sun beams are talking to you?"

Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."

Doctor: (scribbling furiously in the chart) "I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?"

Patient: "You're not LDS are you?"

"We live in an amazing, amazing world, and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots."

The Man Rules

At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all down!!

We always hear "the rules" from the Female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports ... It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 . If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or GOLF.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!


Thanks Kristi!