Blonde Jokes

DISNEYLAND


Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,"Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Window Replacement

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

Guess I won that argument.

Sometimes...

Sometimes...

When you cry....

No one sees your tears..



Sometimes...

When you are in pain.

No one sees your hurt.



Sometimes..

When you are worried..

No one sees your stress



Sometimes..

When you are happy..

No one sees your smile ..



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But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Thanks Melissa!

Presidential Jokes

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--Letterman

What gender is a computer?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
Groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Weight Lifting for Beginners

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Next, try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

General Petraeus' Top 10 reasons BYU grads make good soldiers

As Gen. David Petraeus began his remarks at BYU Thursday night, the commanding general of U.S. Central Command shared his sense of humor by reading the following list, which was received by waves of laughter and applause.

General Petraeus' Top 10 reasons BYU grads make good soldiers:

10 — They have already been on many a mission.

9 — Army chow is no problem for folks accustomed to eating green Jell-o and shredded carrots.

8 — It's not a problem if they don't know what rank someone is, they just refer to them as Brother or Sister so-and-so.

7 — They never go AWOL. They just call it being less active.

6 — They will seize any objective swiftly if you tell them refreshments will be served.

5 — They know how to make things happen. In fact if you ever need a base built quickly in a barren wasteland, stride out to where you want them to start, plant your walking stick down and say in a loud voice, "This is the place."

4 — They have innovative ideas for handling insurgents — like assigning them home teachers.

3 — They always have a years' supply of provisions on hand.

2 — They are the world's most reliable designated drivers.

1 — They understand how far Iraq has come over the last seven years, and they think that Iraq's old spot in the "Axis of Evil" can now be filled by the University of Utah.

Deseret News