CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

"You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--00-000 much cheaper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own... so does she.”

CREATION

 

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time. The wife responded, "Let me explain. God made me so beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning , the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

Corporate Merger

YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook just announced they will merge to form one giant, super time-wasting website called...

Our ward in a nutshell

HIGH PRIESTS

High Priests are like old jeeps, they can't carry much,
but they're reliable and will never leave you stuck.

RELIEF SOCIETY

Relief Society women are like Lamborghinis, They are
very beautiful, move really fast, and are lots of fun,
but you had better spend time and money
maintaining them, or you'll be sorry.

ELDERS

Elders Quorum brethren are like freight trains.
They can carry a lot and work hard, but it
take a lot of energy to get them going.

YOUNG MEN

Young Men are like bullet bikes.
They can go 200 miles per hour and are lots of fun,
but one mistake and they'll wreck fast.

YOUNG WOMEN

Young Women are like Miata clubs.
Cute little cars that look like they're having fun,
but they're always in tight packs and can't
seem to figure out where they're going.

AND THEN THERE IS PRIMARY...

I'm made of...

I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

Fruitcake