Robbery

I think Santa Claus is a woman....and the rebuttal

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they –with amazing calm --call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) (When I read this to my kids, my 17-year-old said, “That a good idea!”) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and
get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

And Now The Rebuttal

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one
to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it...For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve.

THE REBUTTAL:

And when does Santa deliver his presents? The Friday after Thanksgiving when the malls are open for 20 hours? I don't think so. Christmas Eve deliveries are irrefutable proof that Mr. Claus is a man.

WE WROTE:

And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

THE REBUTTAL:

Santa uses a reindeer so drunk his nose is glowing as his
navigator. You think a woman would allow those cute deer to work on Christmas Eve? In the cold? A female Claus would dress those poor deer in sweaters and booties.

WE WROTE:

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

THE REBUTTAL:

When was the last time you saw a woman in a red velvet suit? The fact Santa can ignore "fashion" and wear the same suit for 500 years proves he couldn't possibly be a woman.

WE WROTE:

Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course)

THE REBUTTAL:

And when was the last time Santa answered a letter?
Like, never.

WE WROTE:

Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's
wearing them.

THE REBUTTAL:

And women aren't interested in stockings unless someone better looking than them is wearing them.

WE WROTE:

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up babes.

THE REBUTTAL:

As many presents as Santa delivers he has no trouble
with babes. It's amazing how grateful a woman is when
you deliver a nice diamond solitaire or electric socks.

WE WROTE:

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require
a commitment

THE REBUTTAL:

And also requires the ability to stay up for 24 hours
straight in the cold with a bunch of mangy deer and going up and down soot infested chimneys. You think a woman would go down a chimney and risk staining that red velvet? Of course not. Commitment also requires that Christmas is the same day each year. With a female Santa, Christmas would be late because she'd have to touch-up her makeup and do her hair after leaving
each house. Let's face it, Santa Claus is, and always has been, a guy.

The Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMO’s and Obamacare.

I’m an Android. What are you?

Bugs

What goes through a bugs mind when he hits the windshield?

His butt!

Bwahahaha!!!!!!

Who’s on First for the 21st Century

For those who sometimes get flustered by their computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.
What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

Which side of the fence?

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test:


If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll pass it along so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."

Well, I passed it along.

Parenthood changes everything!

Parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

1st baby: You pour over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Sleeping

1st baby: Sleeps in your bedroom for the first six - eight weeks
2nd baby: Sleeps in your bedroom for the first two weeks
3rd baby: Goes right from the hospital nursery into their own room

Baby Book

1st baby: You religiously make entries every day, carefully noting the number of spit-ups and bowel movements for the first year
2nd baby: You enter a few facts each week but stop after 6 months
3rd baby: You buy the book but enter the child's name, birth weight, and length on the first page

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing a coin

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
3rd child: When 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

Blonde Jokes

DISNEYLAND


Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,"Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Window Replacement

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since.

Guess I won that argument.

Sometimes...

Sometimes...

When you cry....

No one sees your tears..



Sometimes...

When you are in pain.

No one sees your hurt.



Sometimes..

When you are worried..

No one sees your stress



Sometimes..

When you are happy..

No one sees your smile ..



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But FART!!just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!!You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

Thanks Melissa!

Presidential Jokes

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--Letterman

What gender is a computer?

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
Groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
Spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Weight Lifting for Beginners

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Next, try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

General Petraeus' Top 10 reasons BYU grads make good soldiers

As Gen. David Petraeus began his remarks at BYU Thursday night, the commanding general of U.S. Central Command shared his sense of humor by reading the following list, which was received by waves of laughter and applause.

General Petraeus' Top 10 reasons BYU grads make good soldiers:

10 — They have already been on many a mission.

9 — Army chow is no problem for folks accustomed to eating green Jell-o and shredded carrots.

8 — It's not a problem if they don't know what rank someone is, they just refer to them as Brother or Sister so-and-so.

7 — They never go AWOL. They just call it being less active.

6 — They will seize any objective swiftly if you tell them refreshments will be served.

5 — They know how to make things happen. In fact if you ever need a base built quickly in a barren wasteland, stride out to where you want them to start, plant your walking stick down and say in a loud voice, "This is the place."

4 — They have innovative ideas for handling insurgents — like assigning them home teachers.

3 — They always have a years' supply of provisions on hand.

2 — They are the world's most reliable designated drivers.

1 — They understand how far Iraq has come over the last seven years, and they think that Iraq's old spot in the "Axis of Evil" can now be filled by the University of Utah.

Deseret News

10 Commandments of a Teenage Boy

1. Thou shalt not try to hide thy chips of corn from before mine eyes. I needest them for my skin above and my bones beneath for I art a growing boy.

2. Thou shalt not make me to cleanest any part of thine house, inasmuch as I likest it just the way it is.

3. Thou shalt not make thy name upon my Facebook page in a wall post or it shall be stricken off before thou can blinkest.

4. Remember the Saturday to keep it wholly for the purpose of mine rest. For in five days I have laboured diligently with mine brain and to grant unto me sleep is to shew mercy unto me.

5. Honour thy son's friends, that his days may be cool upon the land.

6. Thou shalt not kill my unlimited texting plan for it is the steadfast way of the rising generation.

7. Thou shalt not commit the unpardonable sin of leaving me to hunger for forty minutes, nay even forty seconds. Yea, thou shalt lay a store of food up for mine own purposes and none other.

8. Thou shalt not steal my playlist from upon the computer and try to makest me hear thy music. For inasmuch as thou thinkest my music is raucous, thine music smiteth mine ears from off mine face. I ask thee, is it good for mine ears to be smitten? Nay, I say it is not good.

9. Thou shalt not bear me to rise up and putteth away mine cell phone. Not even while I sleepest, for in the day that I do shall surely be the day when a lady, most fair above all ladies, shall text mine phone.

10. Thou shalt not covet mine full dance card, neither my manly lacrosse gloves, neither my mother of questionable humor.

This one is for the boys

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed!

Alphabet Game

Have you ever gotten stuck while playing the alphabet game? We all have. Well, someone felt our angst and did this:

How awesome!!!!!

Commercial

The story goes that women were polled about the type of commercial that would catch their attention. Popular answers included a muscular guy, a guy on a sailboat, and a guy on a horse. Thus this commercial. For some reason, it seems to get funnier the second or third time you see it.

Temper Tantrums

This is so funny!

Twilight, What Have You Done to my Wife?

Awesome!

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:  

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5,000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.