Dear Life

When I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge!

Sisters

You and I are sisters.  Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up…

…after I finish laughing!

Butter

I love you more than Paula Deen loves butter!

Makeup

PMS

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six.

Why?

It just does, okay?

How I Learned to Mind My Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, “13…….13…….13.”

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, “14…….14…….14.”

Late

Teenagers are like cats

Have you ever realized that children are like dogs? Loyal and affectionate, but teenagers are like cats...

It's so easy to be a dog owner.

You feed it, train it, boss it around. And yet it still puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting and bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a cat.

When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor.

Instead of dogging your every step, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry. Then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving.

When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before. You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong.

It seems so antisocial, so distant.

It won't go on family outings.

Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong.

Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result.

Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter.
The more you go toward it, with open arms, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you should learn to behave like a cat owner.

Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you.

Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten.

Be there to open the door for it.

And just remember...

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

Then you'll realize your cat is now a dog again!

WIFE vs. HUSBAND

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Guns

Ruger is coming out with a new and intimidating pistol in honor of Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the Politician...

It doesn't work and you can't fire it!!

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A Man's Perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip it out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Firefighter

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the stations when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden house tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

WORDS

 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

WHO DOES WHAT

 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, " You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the new Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS.'

WOMEN'S REVENGE

 

"Cash, check, or charge," I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..."

I have a question…

Nagasaki 1945, after the atomic bomb...

 

Nagasaki 2011, following earthquake and tsunami...

QUESTION: What the heck is that arch made out of?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

"You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--00-000 much cheaper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own... so does she.”

CREATION

 

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time. The wife responded, "Let me explain. God made me so beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning , the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

Corporate Merger

YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook just announced they will merge to form one giant, super time-wasting website called...

Our ward in a nutshell

HIGH PRIESTS

High Priests are like old jeeps, they can't carry much,
but they're reliable and will never leave you stuck.

RELIEF SOCIETY

Relief Society women are like Lamborghinis, They are
very beautiful, move really fast, and are lots of fun,
but you had better spend time and money
maintaining them, or you'll be sorry.

ELDERS

Elders Quorum brethren are like freight trains.
They can carry a lot and work hard, but it
take a lot of energy to get them going.

YOUNG MEN

Young Men are like bullet bikes.
They can go 200 miles per hour and are lots of fun,
but one mistake and they'll wreck fast.

YOUNG WOMEN

Young Women are like Miata clubs.
Cute little cars that look like they're having fun,
but they're always in tight packs and can't
seem to figure out where they're going.

AND THEN THERE IS PRIMARY...

I'm made of...

I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

Fruitcake

Fat Hips

At long last I figured out why I've got fat hips! When taking a shower I often use the rest of my shampoo to lather myself. Yesterday I read what was written on the bottle: "For extra volume and body." What a shock! No wonder it's so difficult to keep my weight under control. From now on I will use dish washing liquid for showering. It claims: "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

ID ten T errors

This is NOT a story that happened to me.  I promise!

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

"It was an ID ten T error."

"An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: ID10T

A more realistic Evolution of Man

 

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple is attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."